Closure
by Ravenman9898
Summary: A letter, a meeting, a hatred. What happens when you confront the person that solely destroyed your world for the last five years?
1. Envelope

Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, simply borrowing the characters.

* * *

Closure

Chapter 1: Envelope

* * *

It's been five years. Five years. It's only two words with nine letters. I never grasped the concept of dubbing down time like that. To say only those two words doesn't give the person the realization of the time behind it. There are so many occurrences that can happen between those two words. You can find yourself married to someone, finding successes in a job, or having life changing moments. There are also negative connotations to this as well; you could perhaps get divorced to the spouse, lose the job, or well... die.

I sit in a small pew inside a church located somewhere in Tokyo-3. I had to smile to myself at the realization of just where I was right now. I have seen horrible things in my young life. Things that would make you question every single fiber of a belief system. Yet here I sit in the pew, looking at the center alter behind a well lit mosaic window of the Resurrection. I would come to this place and stare at the window for hours. I never think about the meaning behind it, nor do I stare at it because I share the belief. It just seems almost comforting to come into a place with so much... faith or hope. It's one of those words that I'm looking to explain the meaning. It must be the quiet that makes me so attracted to this place. My apartment is quiet, but it doesn't hold the same feel. It's just something, something I can't begin to explain.

"Good morning, Shinji." I turned my head to the voice that now echoed through the building. It was an elderly priest, the caretaker of this church.

I smile and nod as I turn my head to look at the mosaic window again. I could feel the air rush beside me as the priest sat down in the pew. My eyes turned to him just as he knelt and made a sign of the cross. His eyes were closed and his fingers entwined, his elbows rested on the top of the pew in front of us. I could see his mouth moving in silent prayer, giving praise for the day. I sat up against the pew and blew out a short breath. He definitely personified what someone would look like if they have devoted their whole life to religion. His graying hair shone white in the small beam of light coming from the ceiling. His face and hands were wrinkled and had several liver sports. His eyes however still shone of youth and kindness. A person who has had seen his own personal hell and lived through it. He slowly lifted himself from the kneeling position and sat down. His head turned toward my direction. An understanding smile spread across his face.

"Regular like clockwork", he says as a smile.

"It's the only place where I can get some quiet time."

"See... I would believe that the first time around. Now it's been going on for a month?"

"If you want me to leave..." I begin with a smirk on my face.

"Oh no. Not at all. It just seems... ironic that the warrior who fought against the Angels would be in a building where they are seen in such high regard."

Old man was sharp. His facial features always in a smile, his comment showed no malice behind it. The man knew about my history. The several times I've been there I've told my story. I told it for the sake of telling it. I wasn't looking for some sort of acceptance. I've given up on that, I've learned my lesson from my father. I became renowned throughout the world in my involvement as an Evangelion pilot, but I stayed true to my nature and kept under the radar. I made sure not to get into any interviews or any of the sorts. Of course after two years of dodging everything, the media lost interest in me. Last I heard they dubbed me insane or a modern day hermit. A 15 year old child fighting monsters in a giant mechanized humanoid, of course I'd be the last to have mental problems.

The last I saw something pertaining to me was in a revised historical textbook. I saw all the code names for the Angels, along with the pilots who fought them. I saw my name next to Unit 01 with a small picture of me standing in the hand of the giant beast.

The priest slowly stands and pats me on the shoulder. I look up to see a metal cross on a black string necklace. I stare at it for a moment then grab it as he lets go of the string.

"What's this for?" I ask, not being accustomed to getting gifts.

He doesn't answer me; instead I could see in his eyes that he wants me to take it. I grab the metal cross just as he lets go of the string. I close my hand around the metal cross, feeling the cold sensation against my palm. I let my fingers dance around the string until they reach the clasp.

Silence spreads through the church as I unclasp the necklace and put it around my neck. I hook the two ends and let the metal cross fall to my chest. I thank him for the gift as he walks down the aisle into the back section of the church. The silence spreads again; I'm alone in here now.

"Do you think I would be welcomed into heaven for killing its messengers?" I asked out loud, looking at the reflection of myself on the metal cross.

I got up and tucked the cross under my shirt. I flinched as the cold metal hit against the skin on my chest. I zipped up my jacket and walked toward the two giant wooden doors. I turned around briefly to see the priest standing next to the center alter. He was seeing me out as he lifted his left arm and waved. I responded with my right, however I didn't wave. I just let my hand stay up, feeling the wind rush through my fingers as I opened the door. I was immediately assaulted by large rain drops and the view of a decimated building across the street.

* * *

The final battle, the fight with the Eva series to be more precise, was the last days that I would be a pilot of an Evangelion. That day is particularly etched into my soul. As I look down at my hands and see the familiar scars in between my hands, it was there physically too. I remember distinctly being crucified up in the sky, all the series around me. Everything was being prepared for the final judgment. Then I remember laying in the sands of a beach surrounded by destruction. I could see the sky, disfigured and discolored. All around were the remnants of the Eva series. Next to me laid the Second Child. I could remember the rage flowing through me as I slowly sat up and straddled her. I couldn't control my hands as they went around her neck. Tighter and tighter, I tried as hard as I can to kill her. I wanted her to die. I began to cry and squeeze, begging myself to stop. Then I felt it, her hand came up and caressed my cheek. I pulled back and just started bawling. 

"I feel sick..."

* * *

I awoke in a hospital bed. The bright florescent lights hurt my eyes; I covered them with my left hand and noticed the IV drip taped to my wrist. I followed the tube and was met with a different array of machineries. The incoherent beeping of the heart monitor was the only sound penetrating the silence in the room. I noticed the bandages wrapped around my hand. I looked down and saw the similar on my right. I tried to talk; the only thing that came out was a small rasp and a coughing fit. My throat was dry. A nurse entered the room and looked at me in disbelief. She ran out and I stared at the door with what I believe was a pretty annoyed expression. I needed to know what was going on. I didn't need some nurse coming in and freaking out. In this situation, freaking out should have been my reaction. The door opened again and an older man with a white lab coat walked into the room. In his hands, a medical chart and a disbelieving look on his face. 

"Shinji Ikari?" He asked.

I nodded and lower my left hand onto my stomach. I could tell that I lost a lot of weight. I was preparing myself to hear the worst possible news.

"I... this is remarkable. I don't know how else to tell you this but you have just woken from a six month coma. I... well... we didn't expect you to gain any consciousness to tell you the truth".

Evidently this doctor had really bad bedside manners.

"...what... happened?" I managed to let out as I let out a stream of violent coughing. The nurse runs to my side and adjusts the bed. She gives me a glass of water and I try to inhale it all.

"We found you in the entry plug. You were unconscious and badly injured. We brought you straight to this hospital and managed to save you from your injuries. All your ribs were fractured, your hands were badly cut, your shoulders and back inhibited scratch marks and some strange abrasions. We kept you stable, you slipped into a coma. We didn't think you would wake from it".

"A regular miracle..." I mutter to myself as I lift my right hand. I use my left to unwind the bandages around them.

"Wait...!" The doctor tries to stop me but its two late. I see the marks. I know exactly what how I got them.

"So it did happen…"

"Sir?"

I looked at his look of confusion; I could feel a small well of anger rise in me.

"The Eva series, the spears, Adam... Third Impact! Didn't it happen?"

"Um... sir, you defeated those creatures. Your Unit went berserk and destroyed everything. It went berserk after you saw Unit 02..."

I sat there trying to ingest everything. I know what I saw. I know for a fact that Third Impact had happened. I was so sure of it. I was on the beach. I was literally crucified in the sky. How else would I get these marks on my hands?

"We found you after the battle along with Unit 02. We took the pilot of 02 about the same time as we did with you".

"Where is she?" I asked instantly, there was no way this doctor would know anything. I would have to find someone with rank to find out exactly what happened.

"She woke up a week ago. She demanded that she go home immediately".

"Then I have to go now". I pitifully tried to push my legs off the bed. The nurse had more then enough strength to keep me back. After six month of inactivity it was evident that I would need some sort of physical therapy to get back to normal. I tried though, I really did. I wanted to go see her; I wanted to see if she was okay. I wanted to ask her if she went through the same thing as I did. I wanted to badly. However the next sentence I heard made me stop in my tracks.

"She went back to Germany..."

* * *

That happened exactly five years ago. 

I stepped down the flight of stairs and onto the sidewalk. My shoulders tensed and my body shivered. The wind blew the cold air making anyone want to seek any form of warmth. I began to walk, wishing that I had stayed in the church just a bit longer. This end of the city was newly renovated. Some of the construction equipment was still here, some of the lots still held materials used for the buildings. It was a good feeling to see this city begin to thrive, especially, after being responsible for its sole destruction.

I saw my apartment building and began to quicken my pace as a particularly large gust of cold wind rushed against me. It was getting colder and colder as the winter months began. You could almost see the difference between the years. I quickly went through my jacket's pocket and found the key to the front door of the complex. I fumbled with the key, trying really hard to put it into the slot and turn the lock. When I did that I burst into the lobby and closed the door quickly behind me. I shivered and unzipped my jacket. My keys in my hand, I walked toward the elevator.

"Good morning, Mr. Ikari". The man in the security desk said. I lifted my hand up in greeting and walked to the elevator. I pressed the button and waited for the elevator. I could hear the dings of the freight moving down the floors until it finally chimed to the bottom. I got on and hit the number seven. The repetitive elevator music hit my ears as I leaned against the back of the elevator. I let out a sigh that I was holding as the elevator chimed to my floor. I got out quickly and made it down the hallway to the left of the small elevator lobby. Walked down four doors, I stopped at the one with the numbers 706. I unlocked the top and bottom locks and walked inside.

It was a small studio apartment. A kitchen and bedroom connected with a bathroom and a balcony. I took off my shoes and threw the keys on top of a nearby dresser. It was dark when I closed the door behind me. I could see the hue of red blinking off a wall. I walked to the light and saw that my answering machine recorded a few messages. I hit the button and walked to the refrigerator. I opened the door as the first message began to play.

"Shinji, it's me Hikari. I was wondering if you wanted to go out tonight. We haven't seen you in a month. I was... well we being Touji, Kensuke, and well me... want to see you. We know you've been in a rut, and we think that a night on the town will help... we miss you... please call us back or show up at least... its the bar to.."

The message ended and the other one began.

"Hey, it's me again. It's the bar by the small convince store that we used to shop. You know where it is. Please come, Shinji. We really miss you".

The message ended and the machine let loose a loud beep as I lifted the jug of orange juice and took a swig of it. I felt bad. I should probably go; I didn't see them in such a long time. After my career ended as a pilot I went back to school, I slowly learned that school wasn't what I really wanted to do. I dropped out after a while. For a few months, I did nothing. I became chronically depressed and stayed inside a lot. I lived off the pensions from Nerv. The pilots received a lot of perks. We gained free living almost anywhere and a monthly salary. Though Nerv doesn't technically exist publicly, there was a branch that survived that took care of the sole needs of the pilots. This branch was created due to the fact that they have no idea what effects, both physical and psychological, the events could have on us. The government found it that we should be comfortable. This also involved the pilots keeping some form of contact with the branch. When I didn't respond to any messages or showed up to any scheduled physicals, they came looking for me.

They found me, in a fetal position on the floor of my living room. I was naked, thin, and barely alive. I was brought into a hospital yet again. They looked after me for a week. The doctors diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress syndrome and chronic depression. They made sure that I was giving the proper medications and was forced to attend some psychiatrist sessions. I went to two sessions before I gave up entirely on going to it. I had promised that I would keep in contact, and I did say the medication was working. I didn't need them to give me some medicinal cocktail and stay in some mental ward in a chemical coma.

I walked into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. Inside was filled with prescriptions for antidepressants, mood elevators, and some other forms of medications. I've been taking the stuff for 4 years now. I grabbed two bottles, placing one near the sink and opening the other. I took two pills out and put them on the counter. I grabbed the other and did the same. I put the bottles back and closed the cabinet. The mirror whirled into view, I could see myself. I had let my hair grow; it was up to my shoulders. I had also grown a stubble of a beard. I smiled to myself, if only I tied my hair I would look like Mr. Kaji. My shoulders are broader; my body more muscularly defined then my former self. One of my therapies involved working out. I would go down to the branches headquarters and use one of its gyms. The branch workers loved that they could work out with a real pilot. At some points I would tell them stories since over the years I have become more comfortable with telling my tale. They also liked the fact that I would be able to keep in contact with them more easily. However they didn't like the fact that I demanded weapons training as well as fighting training. I told them it was for personal protection. I could understand why they would feel nervous, it was like giving ammunition to the gun. They allowed me to go through training. I later became an employee. It worked out for the better and for three years now I've risen in the ranks; becoming a crucial member to the branch for two and a half years now. It was strange to be in this organization, considering my youthful rebellious nature toward Nerv. I guess when you grow up you have to make sacrifices. I suppose you have to reconsider things as well.

I walked into the living room and sat down in the arm chair. I sank into the comfortable chair and rested the back of my head against the soft back. I stared at the ceiling, a habit that I never did break. I rolled my head to the side a looked at the envelope sitting on one of my dressers. It wasn't opened. It had my old address on it, a postage seal from two years ago. It was relatively big; it seemed like the letters inside would explode from the envelope. I know who sent it; I refused to open it years ago. I don't intend to open it any time soon.

A loud knocking erupted from door. I sighed to myself and got up. I silently walked toward my desk and opened the top drawer. Inside I drew a loaded Beretta 92. I've had a few incidents over the years, some of which left scars on my body. I now carry a gun, though I never carry it when I go to the church. Maybe it's a sign of respect that I don't carry the weapon into a peaceful place. I moved to the door and looked through the peephole. I let out a breath and unlocked the locks. I opened the door and there stood a bundled up Hikari. She regarded me with an annoyed look on her face. Half my body was hidden by the door, the gun out of her sight. We stood there for a few moments.

"Aren't you going to let me in?" She asked as I stared blankly at her. I moved behind the door and opened it for her. She walked into the apartment and I heard a small groan escape from her lips.

"I see you still haven't done anything with this place."

"Haven't had the time," I coolly respond closing the door and leaning my back against it.

She turned around and immediately looked down at the gun at my hand. She turned her eyes on to me as I looked sheepishly at her.

"When did you get a gun?"

"A while ago. It's for protection."

"… against me?"

A smile spreads on my face as she breaks into one herself. Leave it to her to try to make me smile or laugh. She walked further into the living room and sat on the bigger couch. I walked to the desk and hid the gun in the first drawer. I closed it and turned around. I was prepared for the interrogation that's about to happen.

"Where have you been?" She began as she took off her winter jacket and unraveled her scarf from her neck.

"Do you want anything to drink?" I dodge the question as I enter the kitchen.

"Coffee and don't dodge the question."

I fill the kettle with water and put it on the stove. The kettle almost instantly spews out a puff of steam indicating it's ready. Technology sure is wonderful these days. I take it off and pour the water into two cups filled with instant coffee and sugar. I bring the cups into the living room and put them on the coffee table. I walk back to get the milk and place that next to them. I then sit back down on the arm chair and stare at Hikari as she pours milk into her coffee and takes a sip of it. She looks at me as if waiting for my answer.

"I've been busy at work. Working on a few projects that involve piloting different mechanized vehicles and such."

"Also been busy avoiding your friends or any social contact. Wouldn't kill you to pick up a phone or call would it?"

I cringe and try to break eye contact from her ever watchful gaze. I feel a ping of guilt rush inside me as I try to explain that I feel better alone without hurting her feelings.

"Touji is worried about you. Kensuke is too. So am I, or I wouldn't of even showed up here."

"Well... I appreciate that you guys care. Honestly I do," I say as I sit up on the arm chair and grab the cup of coffee. I down it all in one gulp and set the cup back onto the table, "but I've been feeling weird lately. I don't want to go somewhere fun with you guys and feel like I'm bringing you down."

"That's a stupid reason," she confirms as she sets the cup down herself, " you mean to tell me you haven't talked to anyone in a month because you feel like being alone?"

"Well… yes?"

She lets out a sigh and sits back on the couch.

"You know, Touji thought he did something wrong. Kensuke understood that you needed space but if you ask me you're just looking for attention."

"Clearly, since I managed to get you to come down here yourself."

She frowned and then smiled. She put her hand up against her forehead.

"What am I going to do with you, Shinji?"

"You love me and you know it." I say with a small smirk on my face.

We both laugh, the seriousness of the conversation gone out the window.

"How is everyone?" I ask, sitting back and waiting for Hikari to fill me in on things.

"My husband is good, still paranoid that he might have caused you to stray away."

"Is that why you're here?"

"Just to make sure you're not mad at him." She said as she picked up her cup and took another sip.

"I don't understand why he's so apologetic to me since I should be the one to…"

Hikari put her free hand up, motioning me to stop. She put her cup down on the table.

"He already forgave you all those years ago."

"Yeah, but it doesn't kill the guilt that I feel toward it."

She sighed, "You shouldn't feel any guilt. You weren't in control of the Eva that did that to him. It was your dad. Besides, you gave Touji all those cybernetic implants and increased his pensions. Don't look at me like that, I figured out it was you."

I stared at her, raising my hand and gliding it down my face to my chin. A smile present at my face. I took the liberty to give some of my pension money to Touji since he was married. I also made it my mission to try to find a way for him to get an arm and a leg again. Over the years I've felt guilty over the day that my Unit destroyed his. Every time I see him I still feel guilty over it. Though he has forgiven me, I never really forgave myself.

"I can't get anything passed you can I, class rep?"

She let out a huge smile and finished her cup. She started to look around my place a displeasing look on her face.

"You do plan on doing something with this place, right?"

"No, not really…"

Just then another knock comes from my door. I tense but see Hikari smile at the door. I get up and walk toward the door. I open it and get swooped up in a bear hug.

"Hey, Shinji! Long time no see."

Touji stands there with the door wide open, lifting me off the ground with both his arms encircled around my arms and waist. I start to groan as he keeps increasing the pressure.

"Cybernetics! Cybernetics!" I quickly gasp out as he lets me go.

"Sorry, man, I forgot I have those." He lets me go and pats me on the shoulder with his good hand. He walks to the couch as I close the door behind him and sits next to his wife. I sit in my place on the arm chair and smile at my friend.

"So I see you still haven't done anything with the place." He says as my smile falters. It's amazing how much they are alike.

Touji is still the jock of our group. He has changed the most out of all of us. He now has a cybernetic arm and leg to replace the ones he lost during the incident. Since then he has mastered control over them. Though the first year after the incident he had to rely on a motorized wheelchair and the support of his girlfriend at the time, which later became his wife. During that year, my relationship with Touji was on thin ice. I constantly blamed myself for everything that happened to him though the first day I saw him he hugged me with his good arm and forgave me. He never once considered it as my fault. Though I can remember a time when he thought I was the reason his sister was in the hospital. That year, I made sure to make everything as comfortable for him. I made sure he got cybernetic parts when it became available. I threatened the government and Nerv hell and high water if they didn't do anything for Touji. It took them a year to get though prototype testing and come up with a production model limbs. I later found out that because of Touji's case that these limbs were produced for the masses.

Hikari grew over the years into a wonderful woman. She takes care of her husband as well as his friends. She had to deal with Touji as well as me in the first year after the final battle. I was far worse psychologically back then. Now, she's a strong woman making sure we all stay together. She stood around us in our toughest time, that's why we keep in such high regard. Kensuke and I consider her as a sister more then anything else.

"Shinji, what's that?"

I break from my train of thought and look at Hikari. Touji and his wife seem to be staring at something to the right of me. I look and see the envelope.

"It's nothing." My emotions grow cold and my eyes loose all their shine.

Hikari stands up and goes toward the drawer.

"Hikari, don't pry." Touji says as he gets a stern look from his wife. She picks up the envelope and reads the front. Her eyes widen and she drops the envelope on the top of the drawers.

"How long have you had this? How come I've never seen this here before?" She asks as Touji stands up and goes to look at what it was.

"I got it two years ago. I hid it."

"You didn't open it?" Touji asked as he flipped the envelope a few times before putting it back.

"I saw the name on the return address. I didn't have the nerve. I still don't."

I could feel someone at my side. I feel two hands on each side of my face, lifting my head up. I could see the look on her face. It was understanding and sad. That letter was from her best friend.

"Shinji, there was another reason why I came here too. I got a letter from Asuka about a week ago." Hikari said cautiously.

I looked at her, my face contorted in confusion.

"She sent you one now?" My anger begins to rise.

"I said the same thing." Touji responds.

"She didn't even go to your wedding…" I spit out.

"I know…" Hikari says, the sad look in her eyes almost breaks my heart into two.

"What did she say?" I ask emotionlessly.

"She said she's coming back… and she wants to see you…"

* * *

To be continued…

* * *

End Chapter 1: Envelope 

I would like to thank the people who review and read my stories. It's definitely exciting to hear the opinions of other people. Also I like to thank them for putting up with my crap grammar, typos, and other who has as well.

This story I'm trying to take it more toward the personal relationships between the other characters and Shinji. Expect dialogue heavy chapters with a lot of different arraigning thoughts. As evident to all my stories, Shinji has grown older and grown a spine. I have no idea how long this story will be. Also I'm trying to put in as much detail as I can, don't expect it to end as hastily as Broken Stream

Reviews are welcome.


	2. Letter

Disclaimer: Don't own Evangelion, simply borrowing the characters.

* * *

Closure 

Chapter 2: Letter

* * *

The only sound echoing inside the room was the pattering of the sleet outside, hitting against the top of the building. It was a fluent sound, never ceasing and always constant. The cold outside wasn't intense enough to create snow, though it was enough to create the sleet. I sat firmly in my armchair, my index fingers moving back and forth against the fabric of the armrests. Touji and Hikari were sitting on the couch. Both were holding the same expression. 

"I don't want to see her." I stated firmly, my glare at the wall.

"I don't blame you." Touji responded, a sigh escaping from Hikari.

"What else did the letter say?" I inquired.

"She apologized to me… for leaving so abruptly. She sounded so sorry…"

"Five years…" I interrupted.

"I know. We all have lives now. She said she has one too now."

"I'm aware of it." I say with a sad smile on my face.

"You still checked up on her?" Touji asked, looking at me in disbelief.

"You know me, too damn kind-hearted for my own good."

"You still won't see her?" Hikari asked.

"And do what? How do I face someone who ridiculed me for running away all the time? At least I had it in me to return. She didn't. She left just like that. If Misato was still…," I bit my tongue and dug my left hand into my hair. I sat there for a brief second, ultimately calming my nerves enough to continue.

"You expect me to just up and welcome her?" I finished.

I saw the look on Touji's face, he agreed with me. Hikari had a similar look but she was Asuka's best friend. Well best friend when we were younger.

"Time won't fix this; I'm standing by my decision." I said as I got up and went to the fridge. I pulled out an old bottle of whiskey. I waved the bottle to the both of them. Touji nodded, Hikari made a face and gestured she didn't want it. I poured some into two glasses and took some ice out from the freezer. I walked back in and handed one glass to Touji.

"I know you feel betrayed, but you have to consider what might have been going through her mind…"

"Oh, I did," I took a sip from the glass, cringed internally as the liquid sent down a burning sensation down my throat, "I thought about how selfish she was. I thought about how everything might have looked from her perspective. Though there is one key thing that I know."

I chugged the rest of the glass down.

"I stayed, she didn't."

I slammed the glass onto the table. Hikari jumped while Touji hid his frown behind the glass. He knew exactly what I was talking about.

* * *

What was going to happen after the aftermath of the Evangelion Project? Were the pilots responsible for everything? That's how it started; we were shunned by the people for the first year. I couldn't begin to count the amount of glares I got from people while walking down the streets during those times. I took the bulk of it. I made sure that Touji's name was never released. Asuka was in Germany, so she never went through the trials like I did. Actual UN courts were set up to find out who should take the blame for everything. There in front of the mass media and the entire global court committee stood a child who was forced to fight monsters as a way of saving the world. The world was looking for a scapegoat. They had their sights on me. Until my father was crossed examined and took the blame for everything. I was sitting in the chair when I heard the words.

"I am responsible for everything."

I looked up, and saw my father. For the first time in my life, I saw him as a human being. Not as this unreachable being standing on a soapbox but rather a person with one of his arms missing and covered in bandages. His eyes held a look of failure, his face of old age. The court went in an uproar. The lawyer from the other side asked him if he knew what he was saying.

"I found Adam, my purpose was to selfishly bring back my wife from the dead. From there I created clones of her through mixing both our genetic materials," he folded his hands in front of his face and leaned his body in, "I do not regret anything that I have done in my search to bring my wife back. However, that child there had no part in this. He was simply doing his father's will."

I stared at him in complete disbelief. I couldn't believe it. He took the full blame; the judge had to dismiss all charges on me and immediately went to prosecuting my father.

"Father!" I screamed out, just as I was being escorted out by the guards.

My father looked up at me and closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry."

I still don't know who said it first, me or him. It was the first time that Gendo Ikari had done something fatherly. The day after, my father was imprisoned. The charges weren't expressed to the public but the people got their scapegoat. People don't realize that when things this big goes wrong, someone always has to take the fall for it. It can't be simply blamed by multiple organizations. No, it's better when its one person. That way people can all concentrate their hate on that one person. Gendo Ikari was put into the history books as being the person that had almost wiped out humanity for his selfish hunt for his wife's soul. It's funny though, I was then put in the books for saving it. The existence of Angels was never interpreted. Instead they were labeled as my fathers failed attempts of reuniting with his wife. I was dubbed the clean up crew, the person in charge of cleaning up failed experiments. After the trial, it was then that the independent branch of Nerv was established. I was told to follow my father's story. It was best that way. There were still many secrets withheld from the public, still many dark corridors that would never see that light of day.

When I returned I was warmly welcomed by my friends. That was around the first day that I finally understood that I started hating Asuka and stopped hating my father.

* * *

"I understand you went through a lot. We all did." Hikari said as she cupped her hand over her husbands.

"I don't agree with all this, Shinji. But maybe it's best for you that you see the red headed demon." Touji responded, wincing slightly as his wife pinched his hand.

"If she's starting to feel guilty five years later, that's her problem." I replied bitterly.

"How would you even know how she feels? You haven't even opened her letter yet."

I glared at Hikari.

"You know this is depressing. I'll tell you what? How about we go to the bar? Kensuke will be back tonight from his overseas trip and I'm sure that he'd be happy to see you." Touji began as he put his glass down and stood up. He defused the situation before it escalated. He knew me too well.

"But, Touji…" Hikari began only to be interrupted by her husband putting his hand on top of her head.

"Now, now… we can talk about this later. Right now, I know tempers will start to flare and people will say things they will regret. We will all give thoughts on this together, later tonight. Okay?"

I nodded as Hikari grabbed her husband's wrists and lifted herself off the couch.

"Alright," she responded as she walked to door.

"Hikari is looking forward to seeing Asuka again. She's just the type of person to go up and forgive someone. Probably could get away with murder with her."

I laugh as I walk with Touji to the door. He's an honest saint.

"Thanks for the drink, man. Don't worry I'm on your side. I feel something fishy with the demon just up and trying to make contact with us after so many years."

"Even the devil has a conscience, I guess." I responded. Touji slaps me on the shoulder with his cybernetic limb and walks out the door. Hikari gives me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek, forgetting about everything earlier.

"You better show up tonight. Don't be a stranger." I nod and watch as the two walk down the hall. I close the door and lean back against the door. I saw the letter sitting on my drawer, now mocking me.

* * *

It was a dark, damp bar somewhere in a lost alley way of the city. A lot of people didn't know of its existence. It wasn't particular trendy. A regular bar, almost an Irish pub looking place decorated with various Japanese ornaments. The bar counter was placed on the side of the building. Behind it, rows upon rows of different and various liquors and alcohol. How it managed to stay running for so long is beyond me.

In this little bar was where I had my first encounters with alcohol, which later became one of my vices. My second being cigarettes. I flicked the ash off the one that was sitting in between my index and middle finger into to the tray on the counter.

"Are you ready to place an order, Shinji?"

The bartender was a kind old man. Hair completely grayed out, wrinkles under his eyes and around his face, features of a mix between Japanese and Northern European. His eyes still held a luster of life that I probably couldn't begin to comprehend. He was the proprietor of the establishment. He's been here since I found this place several years ago, the place that became the hang out for my group of friends.

"Not yet, just waiting for the others." I said, taking a drag of the cigarette.

"Haven't seen you around lately. I've seen the others here, either talking about you or talking about themselves."

"Anything bad about me?" I ask with a smile.

"No, not too bad," he laughs as I hear the door open behind me. I turn my head and see the flash of business suit walk into the room.

Kensuke grew out of his stage of adolescent paranoia. Now he was living his fantasies as an adult. He worked for Nerv, like me, only in a different department. This department was fluent in intelligence gathering, diplomacy, foreign affairs, and advance weaponry prototyping. It was his dream job. He grew taller, more built, always sports a suit, and dark glasses. His idea of what an intelligence worker should wear.

"Shinji! Long time, man!"

I stand and shake his hand. He immediately sits on the stool next to me. He waves two fingers in the air at the bartender and orders himself a beer. The bartender brings one out and places it in front of him. He looks at my direction and I nod my head, soon one sits in front of me.

"Where have you been? We all thought you completely converted into a hermit." Kensuke said after he took a long sip from the bottle.

"Work, you know." I say with the bottle close to my lips, I take a sip and place it down on the counter.

"Knowing you, I could believe that. Knowing you as well as I do, you probably spent the whole time sitting around and thinking."

"Busted." I say as I raise the bottle in the air. He lifts his and both our bottles hit each other simultaneously. A low clank sound echoes through the room. The door opens again. This time a blur attaches itself behind Kensuke.

"Kensuke! I missed you!"

"Grow up, Touji…" Hikari said from behind, walking to the spectacle of her husband's arms wrapped around behind a confused looking Kensuke.

Touji released his friend and patted him on the shoulder as he took the seat next to him. Kensuke extended his hand to Touji, who eagerly grabbed it with his cybernetic hand, both shaking hands erratically as Hikari sat by her husband.

"How was the business trip?" Touji asked as he let go Kensuke's hand. He motioned the bartender to bring him a drink.

"A bit boring, the intelligence convention was a joke. It was a political pissing contest."

"I can imagine." I say as I light up another cigarette.

"How many have you had already?" I hear Hikari ask. I could hear the disapproving tone in her voice.

I put my hand over the ashtray and move it to the side.

"Two." I give her a brilliant smile as she looks completely apathetic to it.

"Still can't believe you took up smoking. It's so not you." Kensuke said with a smile on his face.

"Would you enjoy it better if I did something else?"

"Gambling," Touji interjected.

Kensuke sputtered, "I'll have you know, I don't do that anymore."

"Wanna bet?" I say; a cheesy grin on my face.

Kensuke punches my shoulder as the other two start laughing. This is how it was on nights like these. We would all sit on the stools, next to the counter. Drinking up and reminiscing on old times. I missed this, being in the company of friends.

"So I heard Asuka wrote to you." Kensuke asked; question targeted at Hikari.

"Yeah, I got the letter here, if you want to read it." Kensuke made a grabbing motion with hand as Hikari took the paper out from her purse and passed it to him. My curiosity was close to getting the better of me. I almost leaned in and looked. I stopped myself however, a familiar sensation of anger building up in me.

"Huh, so demons do have consciences." He said while reading the letter.

"You do know the only reason you're reading that is because she wanted you guys to read it." Hikari said.

"I guess we should throw a parade that she remembers us."

I smile. I've missed Kensuke's fast wit.

"You guys aren't going to give her a break are you?" Hikari asked sadly.

"Just because the girl got a relapse at some point during these years doesn't mean she wasn't less of a… a…" Touji tried to muster something to say that would define what Asuka was to them.

"Bitch." Kensuke bluntly said, eyes still glued to the paper.

Hikari rolled her eyes and threw a napkin at a smiling Kensuke. His attention was still on the letter.

"So what does it say?" Touji asked.

"'Hey Hikari, this is Asuka. I hope you remember me. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that I left so long ago without saying anything. She grovels for a few sentences, putting blame on Nerv, the Evangelions…'"

"Me." I interrupt.

"Actually she blames your father though."

"No surprise there." I say as I take a drag.

"'I've been living here in Germany for five years, for five years I've felt so much guilt on the fact that I left you and the others. I only came to the realization that you guys were my friends… even Wondergirl.'"

"Well I feel honored," Touji said putting the bottle to his lips, "first time she's ever complemented me."

I roll my eyes.

"'If you can, can you show these guys this letter? I want them to see this. I want them to maybe think of me as less of a…' damn now I feel guilty." Kensuke expressed as he grabbed the cigarette from my mouth and taking a drag from it.

"Karma, Mr. Aida." Hikari said with a smile on her face.

"Like you knew she was going to admit she was socially inept." Touji said, defending his friend.

"Big word," I say as I went into my pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes.

"I read." Touji said offended.

I lit up another one, motioning to Kensuke to keep the one he took when he tried to give it back to me.

"'I hope they understand. I really do. I was going to stop by to Japan to see you. I was hoping to see the others too…' Hikari, how did she find out where you live?" Kensuke asked looking perplexed.

"She probably had access to the Nerv branch in Germany."

Kensuke looked at me funny.

"What doesn't Nerv have?"

I shrugged, "A policy on privacy issues?"

Kensuke rolled his eyes; he knew I was taking a jab at his department. He continued reading.

"'I'm going to there around the month of May; probably around the 20th…' huh that's a month away. 'I hope to see you, if the others don't want to see me then I understand.' Man, you sure this is Asuka? She sounds like a 16 year old Shinji."

I glare at him, "I'm sorry." The monotone tone echoed through my voice. The couple smile wickedly at me.

"Just stating fact… oh look at this. 'How is Shinji doing? I know he must hate me. I don't even know if he still lives in that area.' It looks like the German branch's database isn't up to speed."

"Well at least when Nerv said that my information would be classified, they weren't kidding." I say as I flick ash into the tray.

"Score one for intelligence," Kensuke regained his department's honor, "'If you keep in contact with him, can you just tell him that I want to see him. I know he probably doesn't want to see me. I know it. But can you just do that for me. Look at me, here I am being sorry and I'm still acting pushy.'"

"She wants to see you, Shinji." Hikari was looking straight through me. Those damn pleading eyes.

"Gotta admit, it seems that way." Touji said.

"You could always surprise her with the way you look. Long hair, stubble, poor disposition; I mean you would really freak her out." Kensuke said as he gave the letter back to Hikari.

"So you're willing to meet with her?" I asked; my skepticism still present.

"Granted that she remembers me, sure I would like to see her. I mean think, man, five years. She could be as big as a house."

Touji started howling with laughter; Hikari nearly shrieked as she got off the stool and started pummeling Kensuke with her fists. He still kept that smirk on his face as he was getting beaten up by his friend's fiancé. I couldn't help but laugh. Kensuke was a man of words

* * *

It was around two in the morning when I finally got out of the bar. I turned around and waved to the three walking away from me. I saw all of them wave back. I started walking in the opposite direction.

The night had been filled with a lot of reminiscing and a lot of debating. Everyone agreed to see Asuka on the date she'll come here. I however wasn't one that agreed. Instead I stayed silent most of the time. The occasional poking from Hikari brought me back from my internal monologues to listen what the group was going to do. I didn't want to see her, yet everyone else wanted to meet her. I guess it was curiosity. I know it was on part with Kensuke and Touji, Hikari wanted to see her because she was her best friend… was her best friend. Hikari said she would write back to her. I asked her not to include me in the letter. I knew the look she gave me. It wasn't so much as disappointment then it was just plain sadness. She knew Asuka was taboo to me. I knew it too, that's why I stayed away in anything that dealt with her. That's how it's been for these years. Every time I would see a red head on the street I would look away. Every time my eyes would pass by her name in one of the old service records at work, I would look away. I grew my hair out and changed my appearance. I did this so I wouldn't have to be reminded of the past that I distained.

Tonight, home seems so far away. It might be due to the fact that I'm slightly drunk, or that my mind is weighted so heavily. It seems like I've been walking for hours. I could see my building up ahead, never getting closer. I might have had too much to drink tonight. I close my eyes, lift my hand up and rub my eyes with my fingers. I could feel the burning sensation in them. The sensation you get from lack of sleep. I knew I was going to sleep dreamless tonight. For which I was grateful. Knowing how this day went, I would probably dream of her again, dream of the past, dream of the units and the Angels, dream about a childhood that I wish I could forget.

I scrambled into the room. The keys in my hand flew onto the ground, the door behind shut violently. I steadied myself against the fall and breathed hard. My throat was dry, I swayed over to the sink and put my head under the faucet. I turned on the water and let as much of it as it can into my mouth. I took three huge gulps then turned the water off. I moved back, braced myself against the small table in the middle of the small kitchen. I did have too much to drink. I don't know how it happened. I made sure that I wouldn't have too much tonight. Instead I went overboard. Judging by how the room was spinning and everything fading in and out, I knew that I would have a hell of a hangover in the morning. I put my head under the faucet again and drank as much water as I can. I had to make sure that I was hydrated. That way it would help with the headache in the morning. I stumbled into my armchair. I laughed, my legs now moving on their own. I sat up and took off my jacket. I threw it into the corner. Using my feet, I pulled off my shoes then took off my socks. I looked at my bed, my head involuntarily moved toward the drawer. My anger flared up as I stared at the envelope. I got up, too quickly since I stumbled forward. My hands flew forward against the wall to keep myself balanced. I pushed myself off and walked up to the thing that was mocking me. It was mocking me with her voice, that condescending, know-it-all, snobbish voice. I grabbed the envelope violently. I could see everything with a conscience eye, yet my body was beyond my control. Thoughts of ripping it up, throwing it in the trash, and burning the trash came to mind. I didn't want her damn pity. I didn't want her. I didn't want her. I didn't want her. I didn't want to care about her. I didn't want to care. My hands positioned themselves to tear the letter in half. I was going to do it. Then I felt my left hand grip the letter. My right index finger picked at the seal on the envelope. When I found an opening I stuck my finger in and dragged it across. I hear the residual sound of paper tearing in the quiet apartment. I opened the letter. I took the letter out and threw the envelope.

It was thick, five to six pages. I unfolded it and closed my eyes. I didn't know if I was capable of reading whatever she put on there. I didn't know if I could full comprehend. Hell I don't even know if I would remember doing this. I opened my eyes and stared at the opened paper. I could see the two creases from the folds on the front. I was staring at a blank paper. I tried squinting, thinking that I probably wasn't in any state to read anything. However after awhile, I seemed to be sobering up quickly. The realization came when I sat down on my arm chair again. I was looking at a blank paper. I must have had a confused look on my face. I flipped the first page over. It was blank on that side too. I let it drop to the floor. I looked at the second page. Same thing, it was blank. It only thing present was the creases. I could feel my head become clearer; my mind was too focused in trying to figure out what I was looking at. I flipped the next 3 pages, all were blank. Nothing was written on them. There wasn't any sign of erasing, no sign that she even put anything on there. Two pages left, most likely blank too. It was probably some joke from her, a sick joke. I threw down the page and finally the final page was gripped in my hands. I looked at it and I immediately dropped it on the floor. I stared at the page as it silently danced to the floor. My eyes wide, the page landed on the right side. The side she actually wrote something on. I heard myself speak the words into the silent room, marveling at my tone of disbelief.

"I'm sorry."

* * *

To be continued…

* * *

Thank you to all the people who read and reviewed this story.

Reviews are welcome.


	3. Past

Disclaimer: Don't own Evangelion, just using the characters.

* * *

Closure 

Chapter 3: Past

* * *

"Shinji, what are you doing?"

I looked up from my cello to the eyes of my roommate. Her face held a curious glance at my hands. I looked down at the string I held.

"I'm replacing a worn string."

"I still find it unbelievable that you play this thing." She said still looking at my hands

I released the tension of the old string. I could hear a sigh escape the red head as my attention was diverted from her.

"So… how was your day?"

I looked up to make sure that this was the same person. Same red hair, same blue eyes, some body but it seemed like a lapse in personality. She raised an eyebrow at my confused look.

"I… well it was good?"

"That's it?"

"Pretty much…"

My attention went back to the string. I picked the new string that hung from my shoulder and attempted to put it on.

"So how often do you do that?"

"I usually do it every month or two."

I was confused at the interest she took in me. I wasn't used to it.

"Is it hard to play?"

"You have to practice a lot." I began to apply tension to the new string through the adjustor.

There was a peak of silence. I thought she had left the room bored with what I was doing. I finally adjusted the string and plucked it a few times to find the right tune. I looked up and to my surprise she was sitting in a chair and just watching me. I looked away. I was never used to attention, much less from her. But I couldn't help but see something in her eyes that I didn't notice before.

* * *

I looked up from a magazine I was reading. The door slammed, I craned my neck to see who it was. Several seconds later a flash of red hair flew into the kitchen. I sighed and prepared myself for the coming rant.

"I can't believe he tried to make a move on me!" she screamed from the kitchen.

I had almost wished Misato was home so she could listen to it. I knew it was bad to throw your guardian into the fire, but this was a fire I didn't feel like putting out.

"Shinji… jeez why am I asking you? You're not a man." She huffed out.

I frowned from behind the magazine. I should have come out with a retort or at least said something to defend myself, but I knew that would provoke her. Just let her run her course.

"This guy had the nerve to touch me. Good thing I clobbered him a good one that taught him some manners."

Manners, key word right there.

"Where's the phone, I have to tell Hikari about this."

I hold out the phone with my free time while looking at the magazine. She grabbed it from my hand and ran into her room. I heard the slam of the door and sighed

* * *

"What do you look for in a woman?"

I change my view from the television to her with an exasperated expression. I prayed this wasn't going to be like the kissing incident.

"Since when do you care?"

"I'm bored and curious."

"Well, I don't know what I want. I don't care really. As long as she's nice I guess."

"That's so you."

I stared at her with an un-amused expression. I looked back at the television.

"Aren't you going to ask me what kind of guy I like?"

Here it comes.

"What kind of guy do you like?" I ask monotone.

"Well, I want a guy like Mr. Kaji. I want someone to have long hair, maybe shaved or not, nice body, and his charismatic personality. That would be my ideal guy."

"Good for you."

"You know someone who isn't whiny, weepy, and a little…"

I didn't bother listening to rest as I got up and went into my room

* * *

I walked into the apartment to hear the sounds of someone sobbing. I slowly closed the door behind me and took off my shoes. I stared at the school bag and clothing thrown on the ground.

I could almost feel the hair behind my neck stand. I knew this was going to be bad. I picked up the clothing and put them on the couch in the living room. I went back out and threw the bag on the couch along with mine. I went straight into the kitchen.

I hated hearing people cry. I've done enough of it to get sick of it. I opened the fridge and took out a can of soda. I closed it and met glances with a mess of red hair. She was wearing her sleeping clothes. Her face was hidden behind her hair. I couldn't see what expression she held on her face. I tried not to look like a scared deer in headlights.

"I thought you were Misato." She spoke. She immediately took a seat and put her head on the kitchen table.

I had hoped that I can come home and just relax. Instead I came home to this. I was almost in the clear when she spoke.

"Do you think I'm a horrible person?"

I stood in the doorway with the can of soda. I was frozen. This was the first time she had asked me about my thoughts on her.

"No…" I say as I bolted to my room and closed the door.

* * *

I jump in the armchair, a loud roar came from outside. I look around and realize that I was in my apartment. I reach out to touch my hair and see that it was long. I feel my chin and feel the bristled hair. I let out a large sigh as I get up and look outside. It's still light out there. It looks like its late in the afternoon. I see a small construction team working on a building next to me. It explained the noise. I stretch my arms up and let out a thunderous yawn. I'll probably never fall asleep in that thing again.

I walk into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. My long hair was raggedly looking and my eyes look tired. I turn on the faucet and splash water on my face. I couldn't believe that I started dreaming about her again. I didn't need it right now. My hand ran down my face, brushing off the excess water. I take the band that lay on the counter and tie my hair back into a ponytail. I laugh at myself.

"I look just like Kaji… "

I liked my long hair and unshaven look. I always looked like his look. Though now I think about it, I wonder if I just did it so I could be within her league.

I need to get out of the apartment

* * *

The night was clear; the air was crisp with cold. The moon was big and bright tonight. I could see the smoke from my cigarette slowly dance around in front of me. I was walking down an empty street in the middle of the night. The whole city radiated with a silence that was deafening to the ears. No one was out tonight because of the temperature. Right now, I couldn't even feel it. I couldn't feel much of anything. I can't feel the smoke entering my lungs and exhaling from my nose. I couldn't feel the wind blowing against my face. I just couldn't feel.

I was so happy to find a pack of cigarettes in the pocket of the jacket I took. I was even happier that I had a lighter in the other. For the last twenty minutes, I went through half the pack. My mind was racing through thoughts, thoughts that I had long since buried years ago. My greatest enemy tonight was myself. I try hard to suppress it, but it came rushing in like a flood. These memories streaming in one after another, now I start to dream about her again. It was exhausting and annoying to find that she had this big effect on me. After all these years of abandonment, I couldn't marvel the thought that she still acknowledged my existence. What's worse is that she had such a profound effect on my life without being here.

I stopped at a four way intersection and to my surprise I know exactly where I was going. I let my legs walk automatically to the location. It looks like my past is calling tonight. I pass a familiar tree and a small corner store. I start to head toward a road the led up a hill. I pass by a shrine and walk into a plot of land with various stone figures. I turn around and took in the awe of the city. It's hard not to marvel at the various lights and the size of the buildings. I turn back and continue to a smaller stone figure. A stone cross with a name inscribed in the center. I stood in front of the stone, my eyes focus on the name. I lift my hand and take out the band that holds my hair back, it falls to my shoulders. I move a few strands making sure they didn't get burned. I move the cigarette I have in my mouth to the corner and exhale, the smoke dances and fades into nothingness.

"I'm sorry I didn't visit for awhile," I spoke out loud, slightly muffled due to trying to keep the filter in place, "I know I promised to come here at least once a month, but things came up."

I almost roll my eyes imagining the reaction she would have given.

"I've been working hard at Nerv. I'm also trying to be social; I remember how you tried to push me to be more out there. But you know as well as I do that it's hard. I guess I should tell you that she sent me a letter. I'm guessing you know about it. I know it took me forever to open it, but I just didn't want to hear her sob story."

I pick the cigarette out of my mouth and flick the ash away from the stone figure. I put it back in my mouth. I can imagine the shocked look on her face at the fact that I'm smoking. I put my hands in my pocket; the cold was slightly creeping up on me. I look down at stone figure. No, I look down at the tombstone with the name Misato Katsuragi. She's been gone ever since Nerv was infiltrated.

"Misato, what am I supposed to do? I know you would be angry with her at the fact she left. What about me though? I didn't turn out any better. Hell, I can't even come out here and visit you because I still don't want to believe you're gone."

I slowly sit down on the cold ground facing the tombstone.

"I almost feel bad that I didn't bring any alcohol so we could share. I'm sure you would have set up some party when I turned age. Probably would have been a good drinking buddy."

I can imagine her laughing and saying "you can't out drink me". I sit there in silence, listening to the wind blowing against the trees.

"It would be nice if someone told me what I was supposed to do. Do I forgive her? Should I even see her? I mean it's not like there isn't bad blood against us. Just because she spent years back home thinking about it doesn't mean anything will come of it. I mean I stayed here. I did the right thing didn't I? She decides to come back and I'm supposed to be happy? I can't be happy. I can't help but feel pissed off at the whole situation. Hikari thinks it's wonderful that she's coming back. Of course, she does. She never has any ill thoughts about anyone. Look at me, I held a grudge for five years now. Every time I hear her name I feel offended. Every time I look at a red head I can't help but see her. I even started to dream about her. I had to dream about completely random moments with her in it. How can I still be angry with her when I think I'm still harboring the same feelings I had in the past? That's all I need, like I wasn't messed up enough..."

I stare at the tombstone, almost waiting for it to answer me. All I could hear was the wind softly howling in the dark night.

"She had to send me a letter with only two words in it. Of course it has to be the words that I used constantly. I can't help but think she's almost making fun of me. I'm sure she's laughing it up back in Germany. She probably got married to some pretty boy and lives up in the mountains. She then decides to come back here as a self esteem boost."

I could imagine Misato sitting back in our old kitchen with a beer next to her. I could see the concentration on her face as she tried to choose her words wisely.

"I'm the one that got screwed over!" I yell into the night, my hands turning into fists in the grass, "She left without a word or thought of anyone else but herself! I went through my hardships, I always threatened to runaway from them. Sure I did but I always came back! She didn't, she went into seclusion while I was subjected to the aftermath! Why the hell should I forgive her?! Why the hell should I care?!"

I was breathing hard, my throat dry from the yelling and the cold. I put my hands on my head and tried to compose my rage.

"I'm sorry, Misato, here I am running to you after not even taking the consideration to visit you in such a long time. I… wish you were still here. You were the closest thing I had to mother that I can remember…"

I could feel my eyes begin to water. I blame it on the cold wind. I get up and pat my hands against my jeans.

"Thanks for listening, the next time I come around I promise to bring some flowers."

At the mention, I notice a bouquet of flowers sitting on the side. It looked like they've been there for awhile. The flowers were dry and falling off the stems. It must have been Touji or Kensuke who came to pay their respects. I suddenly felt bad about not bringing anything I began to walk away but not without seeing an image of Misato waving in my mind.

* * *

I walk farther away from the city, along what was now a dirt road. I had forgotten just how rural it was around the city. I could see nothing but fields and trees around me in the moonlight. I still see the city slightly from behind me. I didn't exactly know where I was going. I knew that I was here before, but looking around in the dark didn't help. I then noticed an old looking bus stop ahead of me. I realized that this was the spot I went to when I first ran away. Jesus, I am just living up the past tonight. I went inside and sat down. I was curious to know if the bus still ran out here. I could remember sitting here as a youth and going through the same ordeal. I almost laugh at myself. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so predictable. What kind of person am I? I'm a person that knows what's wrong with him and still doesn't do anything to change it. I'm a walking glutton for self-punishment.

I realized that there is a large lake somewhere around here. I figure why not try to find it, at least it'll waste enough time for the bus to start operating again in the morning

* * *

Not too far from the bus stop I stood in front of the small shore that leads into a large lake surrounded by trees. There was ice forming along the edges, with some holes here and there. I stand on the shore and just marveled at how the lake looked encrusted in ice. There was a small fog present on top that made it look like a surreal landscape.

I don't know how long I've been standing here. With every passing minute I get thought after thought questioning what I've done with my life. I wonder what I would of been like if I was like the man I am now in the past. Would she of run away if I was different? What if I was never a pilot, would everyone have suffered as much as they did? I knew this type of thinking would do nothing. I knew that I couldn't change the past, no matter how hung up I am on it. I know I changed over the years. I know that I'm a better person, but what about the sins of my past?

My hands reach into my jeans pocket and take out the cross the priest gave to me. I didn't put it back on since the day I got it. I didn't know if I should have taken this from the elderly priest. I unclasp it and put it around my neck. I realize that I need to search for forgiveness before I can give it out. I guess this could be a way of doing it. I felt bad, I wasn't really a religious man. I didn't believe much in chance or fate. A strange thing to say after going through what I did. I guess it was a matter of keeping an open mind. I tuck the cross into my jacket and zip it up to the neck. I turn around but not before giving the lake another glance. I need to remember to bring a camera and take a picture of this place

* * *

I notice the sky becoming brighter with every passing minute. The stop was getting closer. To my relief, there was someone there waiting for the bus. Well at least it answered my question about the bus running out here. I walked in and sat down next the person. The person was wearing a hooded winter coat. It looks like a girl due to her stature. She's probably a small petite woman.

"Hello…" she spoke out.

"Hello, does the bus run out here?" I ask

"Yes… it's usually here a little after sun rise."

I sit back, my legs have been begging for me to take a rest. I was glad I didn't have to walk all the way back. Riding in a warm bus would be a good change of pace against this cold. I look around then peer at the girl next to me. Her face is hidden by the hood so I can't get a good look at her. I know that I'm taller then her, then again I'm taller then a lot of people. It just seemed strange that a girl would be out here in the middle of nowhere.

"So… what are you doing all the way out here? If you don't mind me asking…"

"Thinking…."

"I see… I came here to do the same."

"Is that so? What were you thinking about?"

"It just seems that my past is catching up, you know?"

She turns and faces me. Her hands lift up to pull back her hood. I see long strands of blue hair fall on her shoulders. Two red eyes focused on my shocked face.

"I know what you mean…"

* * *

To be continued…

Thank you for the patience. It's been busy around here. Here's the new chapter.

Reviews are welcome.


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